Still Tripping? Like most things in life, the answer is a little complicated. First off, there are different ways to interpret that question.
Often times it refers to whether or not I have gotten over something or not. People always want to know when somebody else is finally going to be willing to let it go. Whatever the proverbial “it” is.
Other times, it is the question friends ask when they are wondering when or if I will ever get my tail off the road for good. You know, cut out all of this foolishness. Do the right thing and settle down and into a “real life”.
The thing is, I’ve been there and done that. I never quite fit in, but I tried liked the dickens to make it work. I wasn’t trying to be a rebel, I just was. I had always been a square peg squeezing into a round hole. I tried to whittle away the edges of my expectations and aspirations just enough, so that I could finagle me into the space where I never belonged in the first place.
It wasn’t until I had lost sight of who I was or had ever wanted to be that I grew tired of the job, which was boring me to death and turning my mind to mush. I had had enough. I decided to leave it all behind.
I set a date and made my escape. I didn’t have a real plan, just an exit strategy. I knew that I liked to write, so I figured that I would work on my poetry or maybe try my hand at a novel. I just wanted to do something that would be fulfilling to me, instead of good for me. I had basically put myself in a position to have to “wing it”. With nothing more to go on than a short list of what I didn’t want to do, it at least sounded plausible to say that I was going to work on my writing.
I had made this huge pronouncement to all of my family and friends, and then I became a victim of my own big mouth. I had sworn off of my old non-working life, made this big move across several states and started over fresh. Without the comforts or conveniences of who I used to be, it didn’t take long before it happened. That uncomfortable feeling crept back into my head again. I was miserable as ever and I couldn’t shake it.
Suffice to say, I never finished the book. I tried to pour myself into school and that did yield a degree and new profession. But it was only a gap filler. Once I was overwhelmed with sadness again, the quasi-vibrancy, that freedom I had initially felt, just slipped away through the cracks in my faux life.
I had come up with a Plan B, but that didn’t work. I concocted a Plan C and that was great for a short while too. But If I had kept refusing to be honest with myself, I was going to be at the end of the alphabet sooner rather than later. There is a saying that goes “Let go or get dragged”. Even though it shouldn’t have been necessary, I had to be forced to do the hardest thing, which was to be true to myself and do what I loved.
In hindsight, getting dragged wasn’t that bad. I mean, it was a necessary evil that did what needed to be done. Some people get it right away, they pay attention to the warning signs along the road. For me, I grappled with my imperfections and insecurities which had built up a fortress to keep me on the inside. It took more than a pebble or a brick. The entire building had to cave in on me before I was willing to remove myself from the rubble of my life.
I had gone to many beautiful places many times, but like a tourist, never like I was meant to be doing it. Truth of the matter was that I deserved to be tripping. Like my own personal fulfillment depended on it. Like it was the best gift I could ever give to myself. Like I wouldn’t ever need a backup plan.
When it comes to being on the road, and enjoying a life that allows me to meet new people, see things through a different lens, I will always find a way to keep rambling. It is what is right for me.
So, I guess my best answer to the question “Still Tripping?” will always be the same. Indeed I am! Until the wheels fall off of this vehicle, I plan to keep rambling on.